Vacillating

These past few days I keep vacillating between feelings.  I start to feel anger and resentment creep up and I have to push it away.  And then the grace and forgiveness come and take it's place.  I have to keep reminding myself that anger is a secondary emotion to what I'm really feeling.  I refuse to become one of those scorned women who turn angry and bitter at every one and the world.  I refuse.  I will accept the emotions for what they really are - hurt, sadness, loneliness.  And I will continue to pray for my heart to be protected from the bigger harms while it remains soft.

The purpose of life is not to just get by.  I don't want to live just for the sake of living.  We've been given instructions for life, and we've been given a guidebook as well to follow these instructions.  The purpose of life is love and relationships.  God created us in his image and his image was an image of relationships - three-in-one.  God the father, the son and the holy spirit are in constant relationship and God created us also to be in constant relationship - with him and with one another.  We were not made to be alone, but made to be with others and love one another.  Our purpose in life is to create relationships and be a vessel of God's love to others.  In whatever you do and say and wherever you go.  That's it.  It's such a simple directive, yes?  Yet it can be so hard.  When we are hurt, sad and lonely, how do we continue to show God's love?  When we want to be angry and bitter and resentful, how do we continue to show God's love?  When the relationships we've been brought into under God's name are ripped apart, how do we continue to believe in the holiness of it all and continue to show God's love?

Years ago when he was going through a really dark time and I didn't know what else to do for him, I felt like giving up.  I was on a step ladder painting what was the playroom and being turned into my son's room in our Port Orchard house and had pandora playing on my phone.  Jason Mraz's song, "I Won't Give Up" came on, the first time I had ever heard it, and it stole the breath out of me.  I stopped painting, looked up the song on YouTube to listen to again and again and again.  And it gave me the inspiration I needed.  It gave me the confidence to say no, I won't give up.  I'm sticking to this because it will get better.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

But then the other day, my daughter was singing Great Big World's "Say Something" and I cried because that's what I feel like right now.  One song says "I won't give up on us" and the other song says "I'm giving up on you".  I relate a lot to "Say Something" but instead of the words "I'm giving up on you," I would change the lyrics to "I'm letting go of you" because that's what I'm being forced to do right now.  I'm being forced to let go because that's what he wants, that's what he's begging, that's what he's insisting and to keep holding on?  Its what I want, what I feel is right, but it's making things harder.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I... am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I... will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I... will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-Ooh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

 "Anywhere I would've followed you,"  Anywhere.  You're the one that I love, and I'm being forced to say good-bye.