Death to Superwoman

I used to think it was admirable to do everything, be everything and not need any help. I was raised in a house hold that taught independence from four weeks of age with sleeping through the night, gradually adding more time away from mom. You don’t need to ask for help, you can do it yourself seemed to be the motto that was ingrained within. I grew up believing that if I only studied harder, worked harder, I could truly be all that I wanted to be. And so, I did.
But all of that fell apart with the birth of my third child. My soul was weary, my spirit was weak. I had been parenting alone for six months, packed and moved across the county by myself and had had two weeks to unpack and try to settle in before the birth of my daughter. I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it by myself anymore. My dear husband, just starting a new job could not take any time off of work. He would hurry home as soon as he could, make us dinner and take the boys for a bike ride if there was time. But my strength had given out. I was being enveloped in the darkness of PPD. All alone without family or friends, I desperately needed that which I had been taught was not necessary – help.
I was running on empty, unable to give anything of myself, even to myself. I no longer could face the daily challenges of parenthood, or even the simple challenges of life. I wanted to give up. I wanted to go away. I desperately wanted someone to just come and rescue me, to make everything better. My dark mind was muddled with shadowy thoughts, that built up over days until they became a wall of thick, dense despair, blocking my view of what life used to be.
Why is PPD so prevalent in our society? It seems that every time I turn around I find out about another mama struggling through this dark valley. Has PPD always been this abundant? Is it this common all over the world? I don’t know those answers, but I’d love to find out. I’d love to have the resources to delve into the history of this depression that steals away the joy of new parenthood.
Though I don’t know the history, nor it’s effects in the rest of the world, I do have some theories. I believe that PPD is a fairly recent condition. If it has occurred throughout history, I am sure it was the rare and unfortunate woman who had to face this problem.
We are tribal people by nature, whether we want to believe it or not. We were not meant to be alone, separated from family and friends. Throughout the Bible, when a woman married a man, she went and lived, not just with her husband, but with his family as well. This is how it has been since the beginning of time, and how it still happens in many parts of the world today. In these communities, a mother is never alone, without help. There is always others around to help with the cooking, cleaning and child care. It is only in the recent “independence” era that we have become separated from each other, moving away from family, and dwelling in seclusion. I believe that this has played a key part in the rise in post partum depression.
Today, women are encouraged to get right back into the swing of things once their baby is born. There is even a popular parenting philosophy that exclaims that a baby should not disrupt a parents; lifestyle! What greater change can occur to a woman than becoming a mother!! Your life is changed forever. You can never go back to the way life was before this little miracle was born. What a drastic difference in today’s mothers from mothers of years’ past. Long ago, after a baby was born, mom and baby stayed in bed for 30+ days while others took over her responsibilities. The other women of the community fed the mother and looked after her needs so that all mom needed to worry about was resting, healing and establishing a nursing relationship with her baby. This was crucial. If baby was out and exposed to disease, there was a high probability of death. If breastfeeding wasn’t well established, baby would not thrive. Jewish law forbid a man to touch a woman who was bleeding, as she was unclean. So, throughout the postpartum bleeding phase, mom was left alone with the help of other women. God knew what was right for us. Not only for our physical health, but for our emotional health. When a new baby comes into our lives, it takes a while before we are able to have anything to give to our husbands. We are giving so much of ourselves to our helpless, dependant child that we do not have much left over for anyone else. Just thinking about cooking and cleaning is exhausting! We were made this way. Our babies need us during this “babymoon” period, and we need to meet their needs.
Women, don’t succumb to the societal pressures to be more than we were meant to be!! If you are a mother, than be fully a mother!! Take time to rest in your new little treasure. ASK FOR HELP. SEEK OUT SUPPORT. You need your tribe to take care of you. A husband is not enough. You cannot expect him to meet all of your needs. You need more.
Goodbye super woman. I now know that you were meant for comic books and imaginary worlds. You are not real, you are not truly attainable. The true superwoman is the one who knows her weaknesses and her strengths. Who knows how much she can give, and then ask for help before her well had dried up.
So now when I see a lady out with a tiny newborn baby, I no longer look at her with admiration, but with pity and empathy for the pressure we all receive to be everything, do everything.