It started on New Year's Day. But, really, it started a long time ago, you know? In a frustrated blow-up where I expressed my displeasure in his lack of communication and said, "I can't do this any more!" he woke up and decided I was right. That we shouldn't do this any more. And while I wish so much that I could take back my words, or force him to see that my saying "I can't do this any more" meant I needed us to work toward change and not work toward separation, he is now realizing that he should have left a long time ago.
We've never been happy.
We've never been able to meet each other's needs.
You didn't want to marry me any way.
It would be better for the kids to not grow up in a house full of contention.
And I sit here not knowing how to answer. I made a promise, I made a commitment sixteen years ago and I'm sticking to it. This marriage has not been easy and we have been through so many difficulties, but I'm committed to the end. I didn't just sign a contract, I made a covenant. And I've gone through my life with the belief that we were in this together till the end - through the good times and through the bad.
You're always depressed.
I feel like nothing I do is good enough for you.
I can't trust you.
Can't you see how miserable you are with me?
He's been gone for four weeks now. He spent the first half of January pretending I didn't live in the same house as him. And then he booked a plane ticket back to the U.S. for some "time for reflection". For even his psychiatrist, he says, thinks our marriage is toxic and that he needs some time away. Four weeks while he thinks through his life without any responsibilities and I am here, in Singapore, with all of the responsibilities. It's been hard. It's been really hard. I fight with myself daily on how to think, act, and behave. What to say, what to do, how to plan. I do NOT want a divorce. I do NOT want him to leave. But how much can I beg and plead for him to stay? That is not a good way to continue a relationship.
I am praying. Oh, how I'm praying! I pray non-stop all day long and I have fallen in love again with Jesus, and rely so much on the warm, loving arms of the Holy Spirit to hold me up on most days. I am praying through The Power of a Praying Wife, and working on healing and strengthening myself through reading Captivating, and have started working on The Love Dare. I don't know where this all will lead. He comes home in two days and I do not know what to expect, or what to do. I pray and hope that I can live and act graciously and with love.
Last week I went to the colorectal doctor. I've had intestinal issues for as many years as I can remember. Lately, certain sensations have become stronger and for some reason, I thought I should probably just go and make sure everything is okay. After a humiliating rectal exam, a discussion, urine and stool and blood sample, and a large sum of money later, I am now scheduled for an abdominal CT scan, an endoscopy and colonoscopy next week. I got a call two days ago from the doctor to discuss my blood test results which came back with certain tumour markers slightly elevated.
All of a sudden, he is now showing concern. He wants to go with me to my procedure, but I've already planned for a friend - the friend who has been walking with me through all of this - to be there. It will be his first day back to work and I don't want him to miss it. Also, I'm already living like a single mom and have just gotten on that mindset to not rely on him for anything.
After prayer and a long walk, I shared with him that if there is anything seriously wrong with me, I want him to go ahead and separate or divorce, or whatever he's been thinking. His big topic during this whole time has been how unhappy we have been and how we are unable to make one another happy. Think about how that will be if I become quite sick?! Also, he's fed up with me going through "bouts of depression". If he can't stick with me through times of depression, why would he stay with me through a more severe illness? I would hate feeling like I had trapped him with an illness. I would know that he was there only out of a sense of duty and his own guilt, and that would not be the type of support I would need. Also, he is on a journey of discovery for his own happiness right now, and that includes starting a new career path. If I were sick and he were to take care of me, how much would that interfere with starting law school? How could we afford my medical care?
I am trying so hard to do the right thing. If I truly love him, what is the right way to respond?
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
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