It's leap day in a leap year. "Because seasons and astronomical events do not repeat in a whole number of days, calendars that have the same number of days in each year drift over time with respect to the event that the year is supposed to track. By inserting (also calledintercalating) an additional day or month into the year, the drift can be corrected." - wikipedia.
I wish I could figure out how to fumble and fit and find an easy fix to align his and my hearts. Let it be a leap day in a leap year where we look around and see that we are given an extra day. And extra chance, and extra opportunity.
I spent last week in the hospital. He showed care and tenderness. Since I've been out, he has stopped. It was his 40th birthday the day I came home, so it was a great disappointment. I had planned a trip to Thailand, but he told me to cancel it. So, then I made reservations for us at a nice restaurant. He told me to cancel that, too. We came home, and while I cleaned up the house and baked him a cake, he sat on the couch and relaxed and slept. He's pretty much done that since I've gotten back. And every now and then I'll be thrown a bone, believing that there is hope left, only to have it ripped brutally away.
He told me this morning that he is definitely done. Done with this marriage. He's been unhappy for so long. I feel that I am the scapegoat here. I will not dismiss my own responsibility toward our rocky marriage and the ways in which I treated him poorly to add to his unhappiness. However, I do not believe the entirety of his unhappiness is solely due to being married to me.
We try and have discussions. They are so hurtful. One big way in which he blames me for his unhappiness is because I discouraged him from accepting a job at his "dream location" (at that time). It was right after Ella was born and I was struggling with postpartum depression. I could not think clearly enough to be able to imagine starting life over in a big, crazy city with no time for him to be home. I asked him to consider the job that would be able to allow us a closer proximity to my family so I could have help. Because of this, he resents me for every day that he has to go to his job and fester in his hate.
I can find happiness even during times of unpleasantness. My life has never gone along the path I thought it would. The path that I would have chosen. But I believe there is a reason for all of this, and a chance to learn from each of our trials. I have worked hard to search out happiness in these times, and found that it comes from gratitude and in looking at the good we do have rather than focusing on the bad. And yes, I understand that he is miserable at his job. I do not discount that, nor his need to move out of that job. I am supporting him in that, and hope that he can find more happiness in his new adventures. However, leaving us being with his job? I can't agree with that decision.
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