When my kids were real little, I spent all of my waking and sleeping hours with them. It was my responsibility to show them the world, guide their little minds, care for their small bodies, be their everything.
As they grew, they still spent most of their time with me. As a homeschooling mom, I spent hours during the day devoted to their education. Sitting with each child, going over math concepts, phonics or discussing fables, I loved the time I had with them. When the afternoon arrived, I would set them free and they would fly away, doing chores, playing with friends, making up games and new worlds to explore. That would be my time to then devote to the chores I still had to accomplish as a housemaker. Laundry, dishes, bathrooms, meals - these did not do themselves while I sat around a table reading and writing with my kids. Our evenings, together as a family was our time to unwind together. We played games, or watched a show. I would read to them at the end of our day. Our last opportunity to connect before they would enter dreamland and I would enter my quiet, regrouping period of the night. Those days I look on fondly as my best moments with my children.
Over the last year, things have gradually changed more and more. A few of my children decided that they'd like to try out a classroom setting. So off they went to school. This mama heart of mine ached at their absence. Hoping that their teachers would be attentive to their needs, would recognize their successes, that the other children would be kind and accepting. But they have succeeded and shined in this new environment. They shone at home, but it is different in a classroom setting surrounded by their peers. And it actually was helpful to have them gone during the day. My oldest started sixth grade, and we found that the work was becoming a lot more demanding. I found myself needing to spend more one-on-one time with him during the day. But we did it. I sat with him for some things, allowed him freedom to work on his own within my eyesight for other things. Between two and four o'clock, we would call it quits for the day and he was free! My other two would come home and I'd focus on them for a bit, talking about their days, helping them with the page or two of homework they had. We'd have dinner and finish our day much like we had always done.
This January, things changed even more. My oldest, after constant begging and urging and pleading, took his own step out into the big world and started attending school. This took considerably more time and effort in deciding. With his special needs, we knew that he would need a specific environment to suit his learning style. We found a school we felt would be a safe and accepting place for him, and our new lifestyle began. And I hate it.
We wake up early and in a hurry, stressed to make sure everyone has everything (read: make sure my oldest has everything). After I've dropped everyone off at their respective places of learning, I get to work with my youngest, who is my only remaining homeschooler. We do about an hour of school work, followed by those chores that are never-ending. I normally have to go back to my oldest's school at some point to bring him his lunch, his uniform, his school book that he has forgotten. I fit in doula and childbirth education work in these mid-day hours, also trying to find time to do something fun with my six year old. At 3:00, my day ends. I start the pick-up rounds, getting home around 4:00 if there are no after-school activities. I start dinner, and then start in on homework chaperone. Chaperoning my oldest's homework takes between 3-5 hours. This equates to about the same amount of time I spent working with him when we homeschooled.
I had to question over and over again if my homeschooling wasn't sufficient. If I wasn't teaching him enough, or at an easier level, or what. But I keep coming back, over and over, to the fact that classroom education and homeschool education are two entirely different things. At school, the teachers are teaching to a classroom, not an individual. At home, I teach to an individual, not a classroom. While my oldest is at school, he is being taught, but no one is sitting next to him making sure he understands, or making sure he is staying on task. He may be hearing what is taught at school, but he is not doing much work. When he comes home, he has piles of work to accomplish. Work which other kids may have completed at school, but which my child was unable to. So, I do the same job I've been doing all along with his education. I read to him his assignments when he isn't able to understand them. I explain things to him in ways he can understand. I help him find his paper. I place myself as a bumper between his work and his distractions. I write his spoken words when the amount of writing he needs to do is overwhelming. I dedicate my entire evenings to the education of my son. And I feel like I'm being held hostage.
I thought at first that this was just a short-term transitional phase that he would overcome and be able to accomplish more at school, be able to do his homework on his own at home. Why I thought that? I don't know. Silly unrealistic optimism. I have had to come to terms, here. Every night for the past few months I have said to myself, when we get through this it will be so much easier. But when we get through what? At what point will we be there? I feel angry that my evenings are spent being held hostage by my oldest's homework. I don't get to spend any time with my other children. Good thing they are so self-motivated and capable for I don't know how I would be able to fit in helping them with their homework. Every time I leave my oldest son alone with his homework, I come back to discover that either he has been sitting there for the last 20 minutes staring at the wall, or he is no where to be found, having found some bunny trail to follow. I don't tuck my other children in bed. I don't read from our nightly family storybooks. I sit with my son until 10 or 11 o'clock each night. And I resent it. When he is finished, he goes straight to bed. When he is finished, I don't have time to do the things I feel are necessary to unravel from my day. Or if I do, I lose out on more sleep. I am not happy with this lifestyle, but what other way is there?
Long ago I set goals for myself. That when my kids were middle schoolers/high schoolers, I would then have time to myself. Time to accomplish all of the dreams that I've had since I turned 20 years old. Dreams to finish my college education. Dreams of writing. Dreams of expanding the doula and educational work that I do. But I'm realizing that that probably isn't going to happen. I am working on accepting the fact that things will not be getting easier with time, as I had long ago assumed. My son's school work will not get easier, but more difficult. His ability to do his work independently will probably not advance for some time. My child has Asperger's Syndrome. It is not a debilitating condition. He is capable of a lot. But everything in his life (save but for a few things in which he excels), will take much more effort, much more time. He is trying to stay on par with schoolmates who only have an hour of homework. Schoolmates who get to play after school. Schoolmates who can easily write a page of work on their own. His condition is not seen as something which should receive special attention, or special accommodations. But it is something that requires a heck of a lot more support, guidance, and time. And it won't change in the near future. So that means that it will require more of my efforts. And while I know that as his mom, I should not resent the fact that I need to help him, I am grieving my own selfish plans that are now set aside once again. I am trying hard to reconstruct the way I am looking at things. To figure out better, happier ways in which to conduct our evenings. Right now, the only thing I can think of changing is my own attitude. I need to release my own ideas and expectations and accept the reality of our life. This is how it is and it isn't going to change, so I can either continue to be angry and resent it, or accept it and find ways in which to enjoy it.
I'll let you know when I get there.
No comments:
Post a Comment