Another Year, Another Place

Well, once again the title of my blog is perfectly explanatory of my life, for we are once again in another transition - somewhere in-between. In four months' time we will be packing up all of our household goods and shipping everything we have, along with ourselves, to a new home. Overseas.

Now moving is nothing new to this family of ours. My kids are well-versed in the art of packing, travelling and setting up home in a new place. But, this will be our very first over-seas adventure. We are equally ecstatic and terrified of this new expedition. Luckily for my family, my kids have learned to approach moving with a sense of expectation and confidence. My oldest has friends scattered around the world and can walk into a group of strangers without hesitation. My second-born is eager to learn about new places and wants to see the whole world. He is more reserved in his friendships, but knows that he can make friends in each new place, while still holding on closely to those special friends he's made in places along the way. My third-born is so self-confident, she looks forward to our moves as opportunities to find a new place to shine. But my last born, my baby, she's not so sure. Her last move was when she was three, and at that point her friends and her life were so family-focused that a move was not too big of a deal. This time around, she's a lot more hesitant. In fact, she's insisting that she is NOT moving. For her, she can only imagine a life in this house, going to this store, playing with these friends. Anything new is scary and must be approached with wariness.

We're doing our best to reassure her. Let her know that she will still have her bed and her toys in her new house - that we will all be there too and that she's going to make even more friends. But I can understand her fears. And I know that reassurance is good, but it is okay to also have a safe place to voice your concerns and fears and feel loved anyway. In fact, I think I have more fears about this move than any of my children. Perhaps more than all of my children combined! I am excited about discovering a new place. I am eager to experience a new and different way of living. I am happy to make new friends, knowing that through the power of the internet I can always hold on to old friends.

But I am nervous. My husband will be jumping into his work, surrounded by new co-workers, but knowing the way things work and having new connections already forged. My kids will be spending their days in classrooms full of potential new friends - opportunities abounding at connecting and accepting and being accepted. But me, I am going to have to make my own opportunities. I will not have an office to go to each day or a school full of classmates. I will have myself, in a house to make into a home. And an island country jam-packed full of people. The social anxieties that I have been battling for years, having made such wonderful progress, I am afraid will envelope me once again. In all of my past moves I've always had my kids with me during the day. Either by age or by homeschooling, my kids have been my friends, my companions, my own social group. Wherever we have moved, we have stuck together, helping out one another in friendships and chores.

But this time. This time it will be all new. Every one of my children will be gone all day in a school, and I will be left alone. I am scared about who I am. I'm afraid of being different, but cannot fathom trying to be status quo. For so long I have worked hard at finding confidence and comfort in just being me. But each new place we go, I am faced with a whole new set of self-doubts. I am afraid of making new friends, and I am afraid of not making new friends. I am afraid of not fitting in and afraid of fitting in.