Forgiveness. It is incredibly hard. I used to pride myself on being able to forgive easily. It took growth to be able to do so. But once I learned how to forgive early, freely, and without prompting, life became easier. That is, until this year. Just as soon as you feel that something is easy, you will be given the opportunity to see how NOT easy it is!
I don't know how to do this. I forgave, forgave, forgave, and then this year? It got to be so many debts stacked up that I don't know now how to forgive the lot of them. Small debts are easy to forgive. But when you have a stack higher than a house that absolutely rip out your heart? How do you just pardon that?
It comes to me out of the blue. It will overwhelm me out of no where. I will look up and see him or think of him and suddenly I'm seized with the magnitude of what's been done and all that I can think about is, "I can't believe you did this to me!!" How do you move past this?
I'm trying to forgive. But I think I need to work it out in my head first before my heart can figure it out. In talking to my counselor, in talking with my friends, in talking with myself, I question over and over, "Why can't I forgive him this time? Why am I holding on to this?" And I'm not sure how to answer. I carry his sin against me like a heavy millstone around my neck. It weighs me down and keeps me from feeling freedom. If I'd just let it go, I could feel so free. But I just can't. Why can't I?
When I think about what I've experienced this year, I can say whole-heartedly that I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. This pain of being dropped, abandoned, left behind. To be told you are not enough, you are not worthy. To be left for another woman. It ripped my heart out, tore it to pieces and left it trampled in the dirt. The pain of it left me on the floor curled up and unable to move. But, as much as I would not wish this pain on anyone, I want you to experience it. I want you to be able to feel what it's been like. To know the depth and breadth of this hurt. To understand what you've put me through. I know it's not right, but I cannot move to the point of forgiveness while I'm still the one in agony and you've been living in bliss. And you will argue that you've not lived in bliss. That you are hounded by the hurt and by the choices of what you've chosen. But you have moved from woman to woman, always caught by the safety net of someone giving to you. Someone there, always, to catch you and care for you. I have not. I have given and given and given and been left with nothing. I have given and given and given and left with less than nothing because I have had my gifts thrown back in my face like manure. I have given without expecting anything in return and told that I am not a nice person and that no one likes me. I have given and given of myself until I am empty and told that I am selfish and have never given you what you've needed.
I know you are growing. I know that you are feeling the extent of the damage you have caused. And I know that hurt people hurt people, and you were deeply, deeply hurt by people far worse than me way before we even met. And I know that the things you have said and the things you have done mostly don't have anything to do with me. But, you know what? My soul has absorbed it all. Every hurt, every negative emotion, every disapproving glance or upset sigh has been absorbed into me. I have held it all, taking it as my own. And I don't know now how to let it go.
When I had babies, those years of having little ones I could hold, I used them as a shield in social situations. Does that sounds weird? I don't know. I loved having babies because they were such a handy excuse. I held them in my arms, or wore them on my body, always a shield, guarding my heart. They were a barrier between me and others. I could always focus on them instead of what was going on around me. I could use them as a barrier between me and the world that wanted to come at me. Once my babies grew past the in-arms phase, I was left totally exposed and vulnerable. It was incredibly frightening. All of these people in social situations were able to see *me* and come at *me* with their questions, inquiries, words and emotions. And I had to stand and absorb. I loved having my babies as my barrier. I loved having my babies as my shield to vulnerability. And I think that this unforgiveness is similar. If I hold on to the baggage of the sin, I can hold it in front of me and focus on it so that others can't get past it to my self. To my heart. If I shield myself with the hurt caused by someone, I am not open and vulnerable to any new hurts. But, if I forgive, that barrier goes away and I am left open and vulnerable. I am left vulnerable to more hurt. More pain.
If I forgive, I could open up myself to more hurt. I think that's the issue right there. Brené Brown says, "vulnerability to show up and be seen with no guarantee of outcome is the only path to more love, belonging and joy". How do I get from "that sounds nice" to actually accepting it and doing it? How do I allow myself to be vulnerable when all it's done in the past is lead me to be more hurt than I could ever imagine?
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