I have noticed lately that most days I am just plain frustrated. Irritated. Fed up. I hate the way I feel. And I hate where this feeling stems from.
I have a son who has a million little idiocyncrities that makes him unique. But many of his little quirks rub abrassively against my little quirks. I have noise sensitivities, and touch sensitivities. He makes noises uncontrollably, and has a strong need to always be leaning on me! I find myself pushing him out of my personal space constantly. I find myself asking, begging, and finally yelling at him to just be quiet. I can hear the words as they come out of my mouth and they irritate me. The way they sound. They are harsh, they are nagging, they are full of disapproval and irritation. They do not speak love.
I mentally berate myself as these words just keep tumbling out of my mouth. I ask myself, "How have you shown him love today?", and I am just too irritated to be able to answer.
We live in a difficult world. One where people's differences are not always accepted and appreciated. I know that when my son is released into the world, many might be annoyed at his little uncontrollable habits. This fear of him being unacceptable haunts me. And this fear comes out as my irritations with what he does. I realized the other day that my constant antagonizations are my way of trying to keep remolding him into something that the world will find acceptable. It is a very skewed form of loving him.
God said that He made everything, and saw that it was good. Do I see my son, and everything he was born with, as being good? I was struck down the other day by the hard fact that I do not see the whole of my son as something good, and I am not showing my son that he is acceptable. In trying to prepare him for the real world, and remake him into something more paleatable, I am saying to God that he made a mistake. That he made something that is not good. I am reinforcing the idea to my son that who he is is not acceptable to me. You are not acceptable. You are not worthy of love. These are what my actions are getting across to my son. Where can children feel acceptance if not at home? Where can children feel love if not from their parents?
I was horrified when I realized what I was doing. How can I know better than God what is good? Who made me judge? I was setting my son up, not to thrive and be accepted into the world, but rather I have been setting him up to feel all of his life that he will never be good enough, and that no one will love who he really is, that God made a mistake. How could I have let this happen?
Who cares what the world says to you when you have the strong foundation of love and acceptance from home? A child who has been made to feel loved and accepted their whole life is able to face the difficulties of the world with confidence because they know that they mean something. How could my attempts to help have become so hurtful?
As these realizations have dawned on me this week, I've had to humble myself greatly. I've had to lay prostrate before the Lord, and pour out my sorrow and grief and repentance to Him. And then I went to my son and asked him also for his forgiveness.
I think of our Lord, and how many time His people have annoyed, frustrated, and disappointed Him. We do this over and over again, and yet His love story for us continues to be forgiveness, love, and acceptance, no matter what we do.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom 5:8)
When God looks at us, He sees our beauty through the veil of Christ's sacrifice. That is how He is able to love us, unconditionally. Was Christ's sacrifice enough for me? Do I really think so little of what He has done?
I do not know why the Lord decided to put my son and I together, when it is so hard for both of us to deal with one another's issues. I question Him often about this. I know that He has a reason, though. I know that it is growing patience and empathy in both of us.
Only speak words that make souls stronger.
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