Here we are, again. Living through the year when you can't decide if they are your best friend, or worst enemy. If they are your lover, or your hater. If you want to eat them up, or feed them to wolves. I am talking, of course, about AGE THREE.
Three. Sigh. I have to tell you that I am very thankful that this is the last time I will have to go through this difficult year. Four times will be the perfect amount of times for me to learn all the lessons I need to learn, thankyouverymuch. Unless, of course, the Lord blesses us with a surprise somewhere down the road...[biting fingernails]
I remember when my first-born hit this age, and I panicked. What in the world was going on? I had obviously failed in some, or more, parts of my parenting, because this child was absolutely crazy! He didn't know what he wanted, he didn't like what he used to like, he couldn't do very simple tasks he used to excel at. And then he'd turn around and say the sweetest thing. What was going on here? One minute I was hugging him, the next I wanted to lock him up in a sound-proof, padded room. Our relationship was a giant pendulum swinging from beautiful to ugly in the matter of minutes.
Desperate to find a quick fix, a step-by-step solution, a magic formula to even out this erratic behavior and make life smooth, I turned to my group of knowledgeable mamas. And do you know what they said? They said IT WAS NORMAL. What? How could they betray me like that?! They needed to come and live with me and SEE what this child did! Melt downs in the store, bathroom accidents, inability to choose a t-shirt to wear. This was definately NOT normal. Then, they pointed me to a series of child development books. Your Three Year Old; Friend or Enemy, they recommended. "Look in here," they said, "you'll see." Hmmm...did the title really say, "Friend or Enemy"? Maybe they did understand my child - a little.
So, I read through the book. Wow. It explained things so well. It gave me compassion for my child. It gave me the ability to have more patience. But, it didn't take away the three year old behavior.
Help! I again said to my wise women mentors. I don't know how to deal with this! And they told me to just get through it. I hated that advice. Didn't they have some helpful tools, or a miracle to override this "normal" behavior, and to help our relationship be more enjoyable? I did not like the idea of an entire year wasted on a strained relationship between my child and I. I wanted him to remain the sweet little boy he was at two.
Now, I've heard that not everyone has a difficult time going through the threes. Perhaps my children struggle because they are the product of two people who were described as "stubborn", "hard-headed", and "strong-willed" as children. Today, we delight in the fact that we are now called "dedicated", "passionate" and "committed". A good reminder that traits that may seem negative in childhood can blossom into very positive traits in adulthood! So, you may have more mellow, easy-going children who transition quite easily through this stage. But, for the rest of you, I hear you.
Three is a hard age for us all. It is the transition out of babyhood, into kidhood. The child will never go back to being who they were at age two. But, I found that if you come out on the other side, your relationship can be restored! Especially if you take the effort to protect it through this difficult year.
So, I'd like to share with you what I have learned from my three trials and errors and successes, and what I will now be implementing with my fourth round of age three.
1. Don't take it personally (because it's not really about you).
This is a hard thing to learn. As parents, we tend to take every "misbehavior" personally. They don't like the sandwich we made, and we're offended. They melt down in the store, and you wonder if it's because you weren't firm enough with them when they were nine months old. It's not about you. If you were firm his whole life until this point, he'd still have to go through being three. If you were gentle and carefree up until now, he will still have to go through being three. There's no way to avoid it, and it's not about you. It's about your child, going through a difficult transition. It's about the baby body breaking down to grow into a little person. It's about the brain going crazy as it makes new connections in order to learn more. So, don't make this harder by taking it personally. Because it's not about you. It's about helping the child transition into his new role.
2. Set boundaries.
Children who feel out of control will act out of control. Some of this can't be helped. Their little bodies are quite out of control as they go through age three. So, we must expect some erratic behaviors. But, if they don't have bumpers to keep them safe, their out of control bodies will have more destructive crashes. So, let them know that you have expectations. Let them know that you will not allow them to harm others. That you will not allow them to be unsafe. They need to know that you are there for them. That you are stronger and bigger than their out of control bodies, and you can keep them safe, even when they don't feel they can keep themselves safe.
3. Loosen up.
I know this sounds like it contradicts the previous point, but really, don't sweat the small stuff. While it's important to set boundaries so that kids feel safe, being controlling and restrictive will create more conflict and power struggles. If they want to wear a tank top in winter, let them experience the effects of cold weather on bare arms (and bring a sweater along in case they change their minds). If they don't want their sandwiches cut diagonally today, is it worth the power struggle to insist? They don't need you to demand that they submit to every single one of your ways. They know that you are bigger than them. They know that you are smarter and stronger. They don't need you to constantly be proving that. Do you feel the need to prove it? They need to be allowed to make decisions for themselves at this age, within reason. It's part of that transition into kidhood. Allow life to be fun. Turn conflict into creative solutions. Make a choo-choo train to the car. Go out in dress-up with your child. Make grocery shopping a treasure hunt.
4. Take care of the baby still within.
Growing up is hard to do. A three year old still is a baby. They are a big kid, too, and want so hard to prove that. But, inside, they're still babies. Meet their baby needs. Snuggle them in your lap. Hold them and rock them. Help them when they say they can't do it. They won't be little forever. It's okay to let it continue a little longer.
5. Take care of the mama.
Life with a three year old can really wear a mama down. Make sure you take time to rejuvinate yourself. If mama is all worn out, she's not going to have the patience or ability to think up ways of gently dealing with her kids. Go for a walk, around the house, if that's all you can muster. Lock yourself in the bathrooom for a few minutes of alone time. It's okay if you need time to be away from your child. This is not a sign of a bad parent, but of one who knows their limits, and is wise enough to get help when they can. Allow dad to parent for an hour or two - grandparents work as well!
6. Enjoy what you can.
Three is so delightful! Some of the times. Enjoy those moments, and treasure them in your heart! Laugh along with their silliness. Explore the world with them. Listen to what they're saying, and respond. Read books, swing on swings, sing songs, and play tickle monster. It makes the harder parts much easier when you take the time to enjoy the good parts.
7. Explore sensory play and make believe
These are two things that I've found to be a MUST with my three year olds.
Sensory play soothes my kids - it helps to get out frustrations, gets out pent up energy, and makes a little body feel good. Playdough is an excellent sensory tool. So is sand, water, shaving cream, rice, pebbles, peanut butter! Let your child try out various textures, and don't be alarmed if they want to immerse their whole bodies into the substance! They're three. It's okay.
Make believe is an excellent way for three year olds (and even adults) to work out their feelings, work through situations and help understand different things. It let's kids reenact something they've been through in order to understand it better, or learn to be okay with it. It helps kids feel prepared for upcoming events. It helps kids to release what they feel inside, but don't know how to put into words. When they can pretend to be anyone they want to be, it also allows them to have a power they usually don't have. Many three year olds like to play mommy and daddy. I enjoy watching how they take on the parental roles. I see them mimic the way I parent, and it makes me feel good to know they want to be like me. And sometimes it opens my eyes to something I do that needs to be changed. I can learn a lot through watching my kids play make believe.
I have found that, three months into my final bout with age three, things are going a little smoother this time around. I'm feeling a little more prepared, a tad more confident. I am grateful to know that they come out the other side and continue to grow and mature. That they won't act this way forever, and that I haven't done something to ruin them. I am no longer fearful of this behavior. Annoyed, of course! But, that's all. I've learned to go with the flow, and hold on to the good parts while letting the bad parts roll right off my back (...for the most part).
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